


Worth It

by InfamousPlayer



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, I Made Myself Cry, People actually talking for once
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:49:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25693087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfamousPlayer/pseuds/InfamousPlayer
Summary: Pearl and Steven have another long overdue conversation. God, I'm terrible at summaries.
Relationships: Pearl & Steven Universe
Comments: 10
Kudos: 35





	Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> So, if it isn't clear as fuck already, I love Steven and Pearl's relationship, and one discussion I have seen online since Prickly Pair is Steven's comments about Pearl falling apart and him having to pick up the pieces, and the discussions have mainly been about people bashing on Steven for being rude or a hypocrite or whatever while completely ignoring his side of the story, so let's fix that. In the end, I think the discussion itself is great, so of course, I'm gonna produce trash content about it! I'm not going to be on anyone's side in this, I'm just gonna try to show that both people are valid and that they have a more than good enough relationship to actually talk about it. So let's do it.

_**HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!** _

He should probably talk to her.

**-AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!**

He should MOST DEFINITELY TALK TO HER!

Powering down from his pink form- _that color just seemed to haunt him wherever he goes-_ and stopping the beam of pink energy he was firing for minutes now, the hybrid haunched on his knees, panting heavily and trying to not pass out.

_That probably would've been a better solution._

He was a fucking hypocrite.

He didn't care if his fears were valid. He didn't care if Pearl had acted like she used to act so long ago with Volleyball- _just like she acted in that terrible night, yelling at him that he didn't know his mom, watching him fall and hang on for dear life and just... walking away-_ he didn't care about any of that. She had apologized- _to Volleyball, not to him, never to him, wasn't like he ever deserved it anyway-_ and that was more than enough. 

_He wasn't supposed to make things about him. It wasn't how things worked, **no one cared about his stupid problems.**_

Shaking his head from those horrible thoughts, Steven finally dared to look at his handiwork, and what he saw was enough to make him almost gag.

The sand that had been directly in front of his attack was completely vaporized, ash and pink particles having taken it's place, and the sand that wasn't around the immediate area of his attack- that being around ten meters and beyond- was now glass, courtesy of the insane heat the energy beam radiated.

_He was just like her, wasn't he?_

No! NO! He wasn't like _~~Pink Diamond~~_ , he wasn't putting any innocents in unnecessary danger, he wasn't taking his anger out in anyone but the air and the sand and the empty space around him. He had moved to the desert to let his anger out, taking a page from Jasper's book and actually letting himself lose for once. Not like there was anyone here to see it. That was enough, it _had_ to be enough.

_Please let it be enough._

"Well, we most definitely need to talk now."

_Goddamnit, him and his big mouth!_

Whirling around like an idiot, knowing perfectly well who had spoken, Steven did his best to sound casual as he smiled- _fake, so fake, how long had it been since his smiles actually reached his eyes-_ at Pearl. "H- Hey Pearl, wh- what brings you here?" The hybrid asked, knowing exactly how dumb it sounded but wanting to slap himself regardless. 

Pearl somehow looked as nervous as he felt, twisting her jacket in her hands while doing her best to not look at the destruction behind him- _she always tried her best, how could he be so selfish?! He didn't have any right to complain, he never had-_ but even then, she was filled with that same steely determination she always had these days, one that the Reef made him forget she had, and he really, really wanted to punch himself for that. He couldn't forget that, he helped her along the way, he couldn't stumble like a fucking idiot.

"I- We need to talk Steven. I think it's long overdue." Her voice left no room for argument, but her body language betrayed her. She was just as nervous about this as he was, and that oddly comforted him, and wasn't he just horrible for thinking that?

Letting out a fake laugh, the hybrid just waved his hands dismissively. "Nah, there's nothing to talk about, everything's fine! I'm sure you have more important things to do now, how's Little Homeschool by the way-" He continued talking like an idiot, doing his best to not look at her pale blue eyes- _he might not be able to hold his tears back if he did that-_ while walking towards the warp pad that he knew she had taken, but all she did was grab his wrist- gently, always gently- as he was walking past her, and he immediately stopped. 

"Steven, please." She practically begged this time, and he knew very well that it was more for him than for her, and that just made his resolve completely crumble all at once. His shoulders started to shake, tears finally falling from his eyes, and he didn't dare to look Pearl in the eyes, so she wouldn't see how fucking pathetic he was right now.

_He was supposed to be as strong as a Diamond, not a weak little kid._

"I'm sorry." He said in a broken whisper, still refusing to look at her. The gem's hand moved to his shoulder, squeezing it while trying to turn him around. "Steven-" And he knew she was going to try to comfort him, he knew that she would just say that it wasn't his fault and that she forgave him- _it reminded him so much of himself that it hurt-_ but he wouldn't have any of that. He didn't deserve that. 

"No!" Whirling around, he desperately stared at Pearl, finally meeting her eyes, seeing her flinch and knowing that it was just surprise, but his mind kept insisting that it was fear.

_God, he was a **monster.**_

Swallowing that dark thought for later, he pushed past his fear and his suffering- _just like always, a dark, bitter, **selfish** part of him said-_ Steven refused to let Pearl let him off the hook. "Don't say that it's okay or that it isn't my fault Pearl! Because it is! I-" Taking a shuddering breath, he continued. "I had no right to say that to you. Any of you! You guys changed so much and I- I didn't even acknowledge that. I was just a stupid hypocrite!" Taking fistfuls of his hair in his hands, the hybrid sank to his knees, knowing Pearl did the same but not bothering to look. He was also faintly aware of the electric hum that indicated he was glowing pink again, but he also ignored it.

"I told you guys that I wanted you to see me as I am now, but I didn't do the same for you! I just acted like a brat and I- I... I was just so scared." He finally admitted. To Pearl, to himself, who knows. Steven only felt like a coward now, so he would make sure Pearl knew that _he was a coward._

"I- I was so afraid that if I told you guys what was going on with me, you guys would blame yourselves and cry and fall apart, and I would have to fix it again just like I always have!" The burst of energy thankfully didn't hurt Pearl, just went straight through her as it wasn't really that strong, just enough to send some sand flying, but still made Steven clasp his hands over his mouth, the pink fading as he realized what was happening, and he closed his eyes, not able to look at Pearl's, knowing very well they would be filled with fear and anger and he knew he deserved all of it-

Slender hands grabbed his own, pulling them away from his mouth, and the hybrid's eyes snapped open in shock, looking at Pearl's own eyes. Her face was flushed, tears were freely streaming down, and she was clearly holding herself together, but she was _not going to fall apart on him._

_Not again._

"Steven, listen to me." She said, her voice filled with that steely resolve he admired so much, but he still couldn't help but shake his head. So she cupped his face instead, forcing him to look at her. The gem gently wiped his tears away with her thumbs, not caring if more fell. Taking a deep breath, she started. 

"I'll admit that I was... hurt." The boy immediately flinched, trying to lean away from her, but she refused to release his face, looking at him the whole time. "It hurt that you thought that I would fall apart on you like before. That we all would. We thought that we had proved that it wouldn't happen again, that we would be there for you if you ever needed us, just like you were for us all those times when we-" She closed her eyes, shame engulfing her just like it engulfed her precious child, but she refused to let it beat her.

Shaking her head, she continued, still maintaining eye contact and refusing to let Steven get consumed by this guilt any longer.

There were so, _so many times_ where she let that happen, too focused on her own problems to focus on his, dumping them into his too eager to help hands. 

_He was just a kid._

She was not going to fail him. Not this time. She knew, knew that _he_ knew that she had grown. How could he not? She would _never_ have grown as much as she did without his help. None of them would have. He was always so patient with them, always helping them everytime they stumbled, not caring how many times they lashed out at him, how many times they hurt him or how many times he had to hurt his heart to help them.

If he lashed out at them, it was long overdue, and just like him, she wouldn't hold it against him. And she was not going to let _him_ hold it against _himself._

"But Steven, _we get it."_ She finally said what he didn't want to hear, and he immediately shook his head, trying once again to get out of her grasp. "No I-" 

"Yes." His eyes immediately snapped up to hers at her tone, shaky with tears but as hard as steel. "Steven, we changed. We know that, you know that. But that doesn't mean that you can't be afraid that we'll fail you again. _We've failed you so many times."_ She muttered dejectedly, and the hybrid's eyes widened. 

"No you-" He immediately started, but clamped his mouth shut at her glare. _"Yes we did."_ Softening her tone and her gaze, she continued. "I know that you understand our reasons. I know that you try your best to not hold anything against us. I know that you think you don't have any right to hold it against us no matter what we do, but listen to me Steven, _you do."_ His shocked gaze at this declaration broke her heart, but she pushed through. She could yell and cry about how much they screwed this up later.

"And I'm sorry that we made you think that you can't rely on us, I'm sorry that we made you afraid that we would just make everything about ourselves again, I'm sorry about so many things." Looking down, she whispered. "Did we even ask you how you felt, when you found out the truth?"

"Huh?" Was the only sound Steven could muster in the middle of his thoughts, half of them trying to convince him that this was all bullshit and that he shouldn't believe any of it, and the other one desperately trying to hammer in that she was right.

"We never asked you how you felt when you found out about Pink, did we?" She clarified, her tears returning with a vengeance. Steven's eyes widened. "A- Amethyst did." It was a pathetic excuse and he knew it, but it was all he had.

God, he hated to see her cry.

"I didn't. Neither did Greg, Ruby or Sapphire, or even Peridot. Steven, we failed you then." She said, as sure as she was of anything, and the hybrid honestly felt like Zircon trying to defend him on the trial so many years ago, desperately trying to find something to defend her.

"I- I mean, you guys were going through a lot-" Pearl was having none of it. "So were you. She was _your_ mother. Your feelings should've been taken into account, and all we did was cry." Steven stumbled, looking down. "I never even met her, it doesn't matter." He muttered, and Pearl was vividly reminded of one of her worst memories that plagued her to this day.

_What do you know?! You've never even met her!_

Did- Did she ever apologize for that? Did she ever apologize for letting him almost fall to his death?

How many apologies did she- everyone- owe him?

Well, no time like the present.

Cupping his face again, forcing their eyes to meet, her voice and eyes were filled with regret and determination. "Steven, listen to me. What I said that night, what I did-" She took a moment to let her tears fall, Steven wiping them for her like he always did, and she hoped she was transmitting as much love with her touches as he did with his.

"All of that. Don't believe for even one second that I meant any of that. You not meeting your mom doesn't change the fact that you can feel for her. Good, bad, both, all of it is valid, and I'm so sorry that I made you feel it wasn't. I know that there's no excuse for what I did, I know that you don't have to forgive me, but please know: _I'm sorry."_ And Steven knew that she meant it. He knew that she would fight day after day to earn his forgiveness, like she always did, and he wanted to tell her _so much,_ that he forgave her, that he wasn't mad... but he knew it would be a lie.

"I... I'm still mad, and I'm still hurt, and I don't think that I ever allowed myself to feel that... I don't think anyone ever allowed me... but I get it. It- it doesn't make it okay, but I get it. What she meant to you and why it was so hard for you. I don't know if it'll ever be okay but... I understand. That's why I never held it against you. And maybe that was not fair to me, maybe I should have... but I didn't. I don't think I can ever hold a grudge against any of you but... thanks. For apologizing. It... it really meant a lot."

Pearl sniffed, knowing very well that she should've done it sooner, but it didn't matter now, because he understood. Somehow, he understood, and he wouldn't hold it against her, even if he probably should. And he somehow still didn't know why they didn't hold the cactus accident against him.

It would be funny if it wasn't so heartbreaking.

"I could say the same to you, you know." She smiled tenderly, her tears finally slowing down while his were still going. 

How long had it been since he allowed himself to cry?

"What?" He asked shakily, and Pearl let out a sad little laugh. "You still don't get it do you?" She asked, staring at his eyes with a mix of sorrow and that huge amount of pride she always felt for him.

"You never held anything we ever did against you, no matter how horrible, against us. Do you really think we will hold it against you?" She asked gently, seeing his eyes widen as he jumped to his attack once again. "But that's no excuse! You guys should be mad at me, I-" He shut up as she cupped his face again.

"You aren't trying to make excuses Steven. You already apologized, even if you had all the reasons in the world to say what you said, and I'm telling you that I won't hold it against you. I'm still hurt but... I get it too. I really, really do, and I think I owe it to you to not hold it against you. We all do." Steven just shook his head, knowing she was right but refusing to believe it. She should be mad at him... but shouldn't he be mad at her too? At Amethyst, at Garnet, at Peridot, at Lapis and at Bismuth? At everyone who's ever hurt him?

Maybe he was, deep down, but he never took it out on them... maybe he should've. But he just couldn't. He always got it, why they did it, and he never managed to actually lash out at any of them. It wasn't fair, but he couldn't change that. 

Maybe she was repaying the favor.

It was... nice, in a way.

"And you're _not_ a hypocrite." Pearl said, her voice fierce and making it perfectly clear that she didn't appreciate him thinking that about himself. But despite the tone of her voice, Steven couldn't even bring himself to look at her eyes this time. All he could do was let out a miserable little laugh.

"Yes I am." Was the only retort he could muster, but Pearl refused to let him believe it. "No, _you're not._ You would be a hypocrite if I hadn't given you a reason to believe I would act like I did before. I gave you more than enough reasons Steven, and we _both_ know that." Her voice, once again, left no room for argument, but that never stopped the hybrid before.

"That's no excuse. It's okay to stumble, progress is not linear. You apologized to Volleyball, that's more than enough. I shouldn't have been afraid just because of one instance." It was like he was on automatic at this point, just reciting the thoughts he repeated to himself over and over again. 

"I didn't apologize to you did I?" Was all she asked. This time, he looked almost angry when his eyes met hers. "Apologize to- _are you kidding me?!_ I almost got both you and Volleyball rejuvenated!" His cheeks lit up with pink, but Pearl didn't pay it any mind, her hands not leaving his face.

"After I yelled at Volleyball and got into a stupid argument about who knew Pink better, even though you were asking for us to stop." She gently reminded him, which only seemed to anger him further. "It wasn't stupid, I know how hard that must've been for you!" He practically yelled, but Pearl just looked him straight in the eyes and said: 

"Then your reaction wasn't stupid either."

Just like that, all the fight drained out of him.

He- he couldn't really argue with that, could he?

Hanging his head, the hybrid said nothing as Pearl continued to wipe his tears away, knowing he wouldn't believe her right now but refusing to leave his side. 

"Do you forgive me?" He asked dejectedly, not knowing if he should ask it but not wanting to leave this in the open. Pearl, once again, gently forced their eyes to meet.

"I do." Steven immediately opened his mouth, but Pearl beat him to it. "I know I don't have to, and it still hurts, I won't lie... but I could never hold it against you Steven. And I won't. I _want_ to forgive you, because _you deserve_ my forgiveness, not because I want to make you feel better. I love you Steven, and that's _never_ going to change. Please, don't let my mistakes make you believe that it will." She said with so much conviction that it almost threw him back. He could practically _feel_ the love pouring out of her, and he was _really_ good at feeling that kind of thing. 

"I want to forgive you too. I- I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget or get over everything that you or the others did, and sometimes I may lash out or let that anger get the better of me... but I really want to forgive you guys... I think you deserve my forgiveness too." He said shakily. 

"And you will, with time. And if you don't want to, that's okay too. But please, trust me when I say, we'll _always_ be there for you Steven. No matter what. Just like you were there for us, even if sometimes we didn't deserve it." Pearl kissed his forehead, and Steven just let his tears fall even harder, not managing to actually meet her eyes.

"I don't deserve any of you." He muttered. Pearl pursed her lips, but then, in a flash of memory, she knew exactly what to do. Wrapping her arms around him gently, bringing him to her chest, she whispered.

_"Well, I think you're pretty great."_

Eyes widening, mouth falling open, all Steven could do was cry even harder, his resolve finally crumbling completely, and he hugged Pearl fiercely, never wanting to let go, and his silent crying became full on sobs, loud, messy, and so, so good to finally let out.

Pearl sobbed too, hugging her prescious boy close to her and promising herself that she would do everything she could to not let him reach this point again. And maybe she would fail him again, maybe she and everyone else would stumble and commit even more mistakes, but that was okay, because for every mistake, there would also be something done right, and for every cry of sadness, there would be a cry of happiness, and for every failure, there would be a victory, and that made it all worth it.

_This was worth it, and she would make sure that he knew that, even if took his whole life to understand that he was worth it._

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, trash as usual. So, let's clarify. Pearl and all the Gems are allowed to feel hurt by Steven's comments, even if they are valid, and even if he has reason to say those things. However, I don't think it would be fair for them to lash out at him or hold those arguments against him when 1- he has more than enough reason to say those things (Garnet and Pearl's at least, Amethyst's is a little more personal, but just keep in mind Steven is basically acting like she was in Steven vs Amethyst) and 2- he never held any of the things they said to him or did to him against them. He always understood, he never held it against them, and he never demanded an apology, and now people are surprised that he has the so called "audacity" to lash out at them. The Gems had their reasons and they were in bad places at the beginning of the series, and Steven gets that, that's why he never held their actions against them, but he's also allowed to feel hurt and lash out, because honestly, it was about time. All of them are trying really hard, none of them are perfect, but in the end, they love each other, and that's never gonna change.


End file.
